Saturday, June 15, 2013


So, I had a blog post that went up Thursday evening and lasted almost 24 hours.  I know that some of you read it.  The post itself got really personal and after a bit of time to reconsider, I decided to pull it.  I meant every bit of it, but it ended up feeling like way too much to share on the blog about my personal life.  And it was quite lengthy.  It felt good and it did help me feel a smidge better.  But I think it was a bit much to post on here.  I will do a brief synopsis though.

Basically this month last year is when my ex-husband and I were going through the decision to divorce.  At the end of this month it would have been our 10th wedding anniversary.  Ouch.  Two weeks after that last year we filed and were legally divorced.  I had a whole lot of crap going on in my life at that time and in order to "deal" with it, I opted to not really think about what was going on in my personal life and just sort of suck it up.  I had already started shutting down before the topic of divorce was brought up and that actually happening kind of finished the shutting down.  As a result, I haven't been training or working with the dogs like I was previously and I have horrible guilt about that.  It's also quite evident in my sort of sudden drop off in blog posting.  I thought that things were getting better, but this month has brought everything very painfully back to me.  Over the past year I focused too much on trying to fake being alright, trying to not make friends uncomfortable with what I was going through, trying to be upbeat and maintain a friendship with Adam, even though I often felt like I was the only one putting any effort in, and just generally trying to stay away from the painful emotions.  Not dealing with those emotions has really bitten me in the ass.  Things still feel fresh, other crap related to this situation has happened over the year to add to that, and I am having a hard time.  I'm trying to actually deal with these emotions now, but it's hard.  So you'll have to bear with me.  I feel like a bit of a disappointment with regards to the dogs this past year, but I'm trying to let that go.  I've got crap that I actually need to deal with and that needs to be taken care of before I can start feeling normal again.

In the mean time, I have amazing friends and family who constantly amaze me with how great they are.  I'm a very lucky girl in so many ways.  At the moment, I'm thankful that I have my dogs and I'm so very, very thankful for the amazing people I am lucky enough to have in my life.

1 comment:

Emma said...

I didn't see the post, but I think it is good you followed your gut instinct. A blog should be a 100% comfortable space.

I find it very, very difficult to imagine that you are or have ever been lackluster as far as your dogs lives are concerned. Please keep in mind -- your everday love and care mean the world to them. They don't know if they aren't gaining titles, or if they aren't doing intensive training. The most important thing to them is always there -- you, and your complete care and love. Which is very clearly always there.

So take a deep breath, KNOW you have, you do, and you always will do right by your pups. You are an incredible person, and a top-notch dog mum.

I am sorry times are so tough. I miss you a lot and wish I could help. If you need someone to vent to, I am here. And there isn't a judgemental bone in my body towards you -- I really respect you, and the way you are with other animals.