Meh....

I'm feeling rather meh tonight. I think the events of the day have taken their toll in a manner of speaking, and I just feel zapped. Enough so that I'm not even venturing forth tonight to take the dogs running. They most certainly are raring to go and could use the time out, but I'm in the kind of mood that I'm pretty sure all the little annoying things that I would normally ignore, would bug me to the point that I started snapping at the dogs. Little annoying things like the way that Heffner has to pee on EVERYTHING during our warm up and cool down. Or how Bess has no concept of Heffner or I around her when something moves and catches her attention. Even if it's only a leaf. The dogs don't need that kind of negativity, and neither do I. So that's my excuse for the night.

It was a rather draining day at work that was topped off by an email that ended in a couple of snarky sentences that really pushed me over the edge. I bit my tongue and didn't immediately respond to the person who sent it, but did vent else where. I guess that means that I'm starting to grow up at least a little bit. Before I lash out via email, I expel the initial venom so that I can later put together a more rational sounding bitchy email.;0) Oh yeah, and I had my first physical therapy appointment. Maybe that's what's weighing more on my mind?

It's great to have things finally figured out and have a plan that should see me moving pain free, gaining back my full range of movement, and keep my body from acting like it's already 60 something. But at the same time, it's a whole different story to have hunches confirmed and have it mapped out for you how screwed up your body is.

The short version of why I'm at this point is that I had two operations on my legs when I was younger that have gotten my body into the physical state of compensation that it's now in. I had one surgery on my right hip and one on my left knee that have left me with essentially two very different legs. That have been torquing my body in some very wrong ways. I have shoulder and back problems that have been slowly progressing to the point that I couldn't handle the pain I was in at work and finally broke down and made the appointment for today. I've had my shoulders x-rayed previously and nothing showed up on the x-ray. That's because there is nothing physically wrong with my bones. It's all in the muscles and the ways in which they have had to compensate for the physical results of the surgeries I've had.

After some pictures and many exercises to see what my range of motion is throughout my body (one of the exercises I didn't even do because my right shoulder doesn't move properly for me to do it), the right side of my body is the worst. Right down to how I freaking hold my head while standing. The only joints that I have that line up are my ankle and knee. Everything else is at different angles. The left side of my body is fine, but the right side is not so good. With everything being out the way that it is, it's totally screwing up my back, neck, and shoulders. There are literally muscles in my body that my brain has no concept of how to use. I tried clenching and releasing some muscles and there was nothing to clench on the right side. I was concentrating, but there was nothing there to work with. After multiple repetitions I could start to feel something, but nothing even remotely comparable to the left side. That was a very sobering experience. I actually have muscles in my body that my brain has no connection to. WTH??

While I am very glad that I have FINALLY found someone who can figure out exactly what is wrong with me and how to mostly fix it (there are going to be some things that just aren't "fixable"), it's also kind of a lot to deal with at the moment. For the past thirty years I have been living in this bubble where this is just how things are for me. I move this way, because that's just how I move. I had these surgeries previously, but they're no big deal. Except that they actually were a very big deal. And I should have actually been in some sort of physical therapy after each one of them. And I should have continued to see a physical therapist periodically as I continued to grow to help prevent the gross abnormalities that I am now dealing with. I am glad that I was never treated like I had a disability or told to limit my activity level as I grew up. However, you can't screw with someone's whole skeletal system and expect that they won't have any issues down the road. So yeah, I think I'm having a bit of a hard time dealing with the reality of everything right now.

Not to be a complete Debbie Downer, I do really like my physical therapist. And she didn't want me to curtail any of my activities. I do have a whole list of exercises that I have to do at least once a day to help slowly strengthen my many problem areas. I'll be seeing her once a week for at least the next five weeks and then we'll see from there. Today was just an assessment day and initial set up, so no ball exercises yet. But I think I'm going to bring it up to her next time.;0)